Sometimes in life, something must occur to alter your course permanently, one you likely would not have detoured from otherwise. This change was a necessary for your higher good, one life for another. Imagine a soul which actually choses before ever entering existence, to exist and show up in your life simply to help facilitate one said life-shifting event. This soul manifests itself into the love of your life simply to have such a profound effect in its passing. This soul is both beautiful and terrifying, two polarities equally attracting you. It draws you in, both sucking the air from you and restoring your life breath simultaneously. Their entire presence in your life is like a storm, one at times loud and thunderous, while at others, calm and restorative. This force of energy manifesting in its human form is one you are completely helpless to, surrendering all your logic and sensibilities. This soul came simply to hold your hand in the darkness and distract you from your pain, even if it meant causing you more pain simply to fill the emptiness you felt in so much loss experienced before its arrival. This beautiful nightmare knew when it was time to go. It knew you could never have control in your own life while it was present. As long as it existed, you would always be a slave to its love. This soul knew it was time to pass, so you could begin again. It recognized your potentialities for greatness beyond the pain, ones you could not yet see nor imagine. This amazingly loving soul had to go, so you could heal and live.
Today I give thanks to that soul who both entered my life like a hurricane, and left it will equal pronouncement. Ten years ago today, they got on a motorcycle and rode home to the wind forever. It was not until five years had passed that the number eleven started showing up in my daily life/awareness in the most obvious, and at times, annoying ways. At first, it appeared in less noticeable ways. The clock would always have some variation of eleven, or my car mileage…things like that. Then it grew into something I initially felt was my going crazy, or my simply creating variations of the number in every visual experience I would have. I could see a license tag on the car beside me and it would either flat out read “1111” or its numbers summed would equal eleven. There were times being a psychologist, I considered I was seeking the number out. With all the experience I was having with this number, I had to know why and why. I am a person who needs explanation, meaning…I believe everything we experience is a signal of sorts, and its up to us to create meaning, often times meaning that only relates to and is understood by us. After all, we are all here to experience some form of unique experience in our individualized divine manifestations.
I began to research the number eleven, all the significances tied to it, all the mystical interpretations, etc. The two main things resonating with my experience and supported by research, were the idea the number eleven represented “new beginnings” and when brought into your awareness, it was a signal for you to focus only on the things you want most in life. At this time, I was returning to college in pursuit of my Bachelors of Psychology, as a felon and someone who had struggled in life a great deal. I was afraid of putting all my time, money and energy into something that may never bear fruit. No one wanted to hire me being a felon. How was I to convince any licensure board or graduate school even, to admit me after undergrad? After all, graduate school is considered mandatory in the human services/ social science field if one expects to actually use their degree. Upon doing extensive research on the number eleven, and its continued annoying presence in my daily life, I began to focus my energies on positive outcomes in spite of what my experience had shown me in the past. I gave my very best in undergrad, parts of myself I did not know existed, parts of myself that developed in ways I am sure would have otherwise remained dormant had I not undergone the journey. Where my esteem lacked, I began to place faith in the number eleven and its suggested meaning. Of course, it was one more thing giving reason for my assumed “crazy” to people who knew me. None-the-less, I turned its constant presence in my awareness into a permanent reminder to push through the journey.
In May of 2015, two years ago, I got a text from my ex’s mother reminding me of the day of his passing…May 11, 2007. In an instant, I knew why the eleven kept showing up in my life. Why had the association not occurred to me? Could it be mere coincidence this haunting number was none other than a spirit guiding me on my way, one I had deeply loved across lifetimes? I decided it was a signal from him to me to move forward, to focus only what I wanted. I had spent so much time grieving and focused on the things I had lost in life up until his death, and more so thereafter. I was a functional wreck more or less. I had lost two of my children, my life had been turned upside down, permanently marked outsider as a felon, and then he passed. My relationship with this individual both saved me and killed me more each day as long as he was alive. Our bond was one I could not manage at that time in my life to release or break free from. Although I loved him more than I have ever allowed myself to love or be loved since, it was a super unhealthy situation.
I think we all experience that one life force that comes into our lives and causes utter chaos, a set of two energies, born of the stars and meant to converge like wildfire. This encounter is beyond us, one we will not understand for years to come, some of us never. It took me five years after his passing to realize why he both came into my life, and why he left so quickly. He came to both create laughter and tears, to distract me from the heartache of losing my children, to create so much love and hate in my heart for him, that I could not feel the deep emptiness of losing my beloved children. When it was time for me to pick up the pieces, moving forward into the life I was meant to live, he left me like the wind blows through the trees. It passes through the open space, makes the trees dance in the night, and is gone without warning.
Looking back, I think I have always been in pursuit of new beginnings. Maybe I was interrupted so early in life, there was a part of me, is still a part of me, that always needs to start over. I am guilty of wild and magical thinking that sometimes creates the necessary survival mechanism for me to get through a day, and at times leaves me disappointed because somehow I believe my own fantasies. The energy behind the number eleven constantly guiding me in life today is a reminder to stay grounded and focused, to give thought and effort into your dreams and potential. We as a society far too often spend our time engulfed in what is not right with us, in the world, with others, etc. How much difference in your world, in the world itself, would it make if we spent all that mental energy and focus on what outcomes we hope to achieve and see, rather than paralyzed by what is wrong? What if we were using that same energy to put forth action in the world behind our imagined outcomes? It would be life changing, on both a local and global scale. The power of collective consciousness is infinite, without boundaries or limits. Join me in harnessing and focusing our energies on new beginnings…what we want in the world, in our lives, for our lives, for us. Go with gratitude for all the people and situations that have collided with you in order to affect change for the greater good, both for your personal highest good, and for the world at large as you go forward imparting your own legend.
Thank you eleven, my spirit guide and love experienced, for holding my hand all these years. Thank you for being my beautiful nightmare and saving grace. Thank you for returning me to myself, and creating a space for me to do so. Thank you for protecting me when I am quite sure at times, I was failing to protect myself. Thank you for reminding me I am powerful beyond measure and so capable. No person, no system, no structure or interference, is more powerful than individual will to survive and sustain. After ten years, I know I can do anything, and I can love again. Thank you for giving me love then, and returning it to me now. When you see the number eleven, although it may not have the same significance in your lives, just remember to begin again. Every day, each moment, is a chance to start fresh. Live every day like yesterday did not happen, and tomorrow never comes…chasing new beginnings.